In the midst of a long journey, there's always that moment when you look ahead, you look behind, and you think about giving up... You're feet are hurting, your back is aching, your mind is weary... You think "Nobody's ever been down this road before... Why do I have to be the one to pave the way?" You hunger for 'average' in this moment, believing that being anything less than who you are must be easier than this.
It's in this moment that I found myself today, wishing I were somewhere else, someone else, wishing things were different... but, even after the pity party, long after the tears were shed, and well beyond feeling lost in what was and trapped by what could've been, there's one truth that remains: this IS...
To look back on today, I can say that this was a 'hard' day. I couldn't seem to flip the switch from yesterday to this moment. No matter what I affirmed or what I said or what I did, the truth of today has been this: I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to be patient. I'm afraid to be where I am. I'm afraid to be WHO I am.
Ten years ago, that 'me' would've run scared. She would've done her best to escape the situation. Whether in work or in food or some other time-consuming, mind numbing event, she would've repressed every feeling, giving in to the victim and hiding from the warrior.
But I did something different today. I embraced today for what it was... hard, sad, painful, heart wrenching. I embraced it all and said two things to myself, "I'm choosing this" and "God knows."
Those two statements got me to a place where I can now see today as a wisdom-acquiring process. What spurred today was not a fear of failure but an epiphany of success. I am becoming more and more of who I am... and that is scary.
Am I running from it? No. Am I running to it? No.
I'm accepting each day for what it is, knowing that at any moment, I have a choice:
1) Embrace my magnificence or 2) Repel it.
I choose to embrace it.
