Winter Solstice (Read Time: 2 min)

Today's the Winter Solstice. I spent the weekend working on a vision board, putting down my dreams and goals for 2010. They're very different than last year or the year before. Before this year, I focused on the things I wanted: cars, money, career, the targets, titles and items that seemed, at the time, to make life mean something.

This year, I've decided to focus on my state of being, what's really important to me. On my vision board is so much more than what I WANT; I've put down the state of mind I'm choosing to be in. Family is a big theme in my vision board. Having fun, feeling free, enjoying life is another big thing. Health, wealth, and happiness run through every single picture.

There are still some materialistic things on there, things that I know I'll have, scenes of life I know I'll experience but, for the most part, what I collaged about wasn't anything that I don't already possess right now. It simply was the amped up version of the life I already have... and maybe that's the gift right there. This is the very first time in my life that I've come to the realization that... nothing's missing.

It's taken 31.75 years to get here...

Stop apologizing

Looking in people's faces is an interesting thing. Stare long enough and you get to see where the imbalances are. You can look in a face that's cold, rigid, unwilling to smile and see a hard person who'd rather die on the inside then fall apart on the outside. You can look into a happy, smiling, glorious face that is so filled with joy you can barely contain the ripple effect. Their excitement makes you want to dance... and you don't even know why.

Sometimes, though, you look into someone's face and their eyes cry out in pain while they're faces press for "happy go lucky." It's the game of pretending to be what we think we ought to be so other people can pretend to be the response they think we need. Confusing, right? Right!

Why don't we allow ourselves to be... human?

Why pretend? Why play games? Why jump to conclusions? Why shy away from the "touchy" subjects?

There comes a moment when those "masks" we all wear can no longer take the magnitude of who we REALLY are. There comes a day when it isn't enough to "put on a pretty face", when life becomes more than putting on a show... and that's what so many people fight, the freedom to be who they really are AND not apologize for it.

Stop apologizing. Life is too short to walk around feeling small, playing small, living below your own light.

Nobody's perfect and, yet, everybody is. That's the duality of life. Everybody shits, everybody cries, everybody feels joy, and everybody dies. There's a circle of life and if we could simply just embrace it, love it, and live it, life would get really, really simple: just be...

Embrace or Repel?

In the midst of a long journey, there's always that moment when you look ahead, you look behind, and you think about giving up... You're feet are hurting, your back is aching, your mind is weary... You think "Nobody's ever been down this road before... Why do I have to be the one to pave the way?" You hunger for 'average' in this moment, believing that being anything less than who you are must be easier than this.

It's in this moment that I found myself today, wishing I were somewhere else, someone else, wishing things were different... but, even after the pity party, long after the tears were shed, and well beyond feeling lost in what was and trapped by what could've been, there's one truth that remains: this IS...

To look back on today, I can say that this was a 'hard' day. I couldn't seem to flip the switch from yesterday to this moment. No matter what I affirmed or what I said or what I did, the truth of today has been this: I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to be patient. I'm afraid to be where I am. I'm afraid to be WHO I am.

Ten years ago, that 'me' would've run scared. She would've done her best to escape the situation. Whether in work or in food or some other time-consuming, mind numbing event, she would've repressed every feeling, giving in to the victim and hiding from the warrior.

But I did something different today. I embraced today for what it was... hard, sad, painful, heart wrenching. I embraced it all and said two things to myself, "I'm choosing this" and "God knows."

Those two statements got me to a place where I can now see today as a wisdom-acquiring process. What spurred today was not a fear of failure but an epiphany of success. I am becoming more and more of who I am... and that is scary.

Am I running from it? No. Am I running to it? No.

I'm accepting each day for what it is, knowing that at any moment, I have a choice:
1) Embrace my magnificence or 2) Repel it.

I choose to embrace it.